Keeping it Together

This culture we live in is breeding loneliness, and pastors are not exempt. To label loneliness as a threat to pastors is also to admit that the day-to-day existence of many leaders is unsustainable. Our pastors are required to “hold it all together” while also constantly caring for the often urgent and demanding needs of others.

This dynamic creates loneliness for pastors who feel they must perform to appease their congregations while ignoring their own needs. The scenario often worsens and presents the danger of a bifurcated life — their “performing self” and their “true self.” To cope with loneliness, many pastors will shut off feelings associated with this pain, thus causing a separation from their true selves.

Additionally, pastors feel pressured to know more than they actually do. They often feel a need to appear “expert” in all things and to project this expertise at all times in public places. Perfectionism and narcissism can sprout and grow in this fertile soil of self-obsession for more knowledge. It begins with trend watching and trying to not only match but exceed fashionable spirituality. A show of words and creativity, without depth of character and spirit, can be the result. Because pastors are often forced to perform instantly and at rapid speed, to always be “in season,” character and spiritual development may be forced to take a back seat.

So, they end up lonely and suppressive. They may fake strength and success while denying their true state. The veneer of professional Christian expertise may look smooth and admirable, but is disastrous to the mental health and soul of the pastor. The result looks nothing like the way of shepherding that Jesus modeled. Tragically, many of us (likely unknowingly) support this way of life for pastors, even though it is unsustainable.

So, how can a pastor get the help they need?

Safety is a core need of the soul. With the threat of loneliness, a bifurcated life along with a perceived need to mask flaws and imperfections, every pastor would do well to have regular visits with a confidant and/or spiritual director who can listen with no other agenda than bearing witness to that pastor’s life. Even an hour a week could make a world of difference. This soul friend might sit in silence with the pastor, hear laments, and even confessions. Imagine the healing that could happen if each pastor could experience such a level of care and deeply feel, “You are safe here.”  

Such a safe relationship fosters deep and confessional sharing, without judgment. In the absence of such a space, a pastor will likely burn out — and burn others, too.

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This is an exerpt written by Kaylene Derksen from an article in Common Good Magazine. To read the full article, click here.